Like living two lives

It's like I'm living two lives here.

There's the one full of giggles & making monkey sounds, of minor tantrums and boundary setting. The one that is a joy to live but not by any means easy.

Then there's the other life, a life of stress, of miscommunication and deception. The life that is in many ways thrashing about in its death throes.

The first life is forever parenthood with L. The other is the process of adopting her.

Not that it's all not worth it. It totally is. But sometimes I just think to myself -- why, why, why does this have to be so hard.

Yesterday's drama had really drained me and I was pretty darn tired last night. Got a call from a friend, Laila, and then had my nightly chat with Glenn. I didn't sleep well probably due to the stress.

This morning started nicely. Up and then out and about to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. Then we walked around the hotel a bit to look at all the stores.

We returned to the room. I sent a text to our facilitator to make sure she was going to Central Records (aka RENAP) today. Se said yes. The day was going well so far

After a brief excursion out, we headed to the pool. That was tons of fun. L loved every minute being in the kiddie pool with her hippo bath toy. We lunched poolside.

Even getting her down for her nap was pretty easy. A little bit of play time. A little bit of baby TV. Bottle and she was out.

While she was playing before naptime I chatted with Glenn. He wouldn't be able to call the foster parents tonight due to a confluence of car issues and weather. So, I decided to call the foster mom "Bella."
That's when I realized the "other" life ain't over yet.

I called and got through and told her that Glenn could not call her, but when he came down we would figure things out with them (like maybe letting them see L one more time before we leave and also clear up some business with the facilitator).

But then she said that "Gina," the facilitator, had told the foster parents that they were going to come today to get L. This is what the foster dad had said yesterday, and what I thought I cleared up with "Bella" during our stairwell chat yesterday.

All I could say was "no" and I would talk to "Gina".

So I texted "Gina" to tell her "Bella" had told me they were coming and I wasn't go to be there. What did she reply? "Perfecto." WTF!

I tried to call "Bella" about 10 times but never got through. I tried to text her as well but her phone is not set up to accept text messages.

I don't know who's playing who or what this game is, but I am glad I am not at my main hotel!

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I think this is some kind of fight over money with us and L in the middle. I know we are L's legal parents, so there is no way I am letting her out of my sight. And when I return to the main hotel -- if they show up I will not let them see L at all or even talk to them face-to-face.

I hate that things are happening this way. I feel like I am complicit in all this deception somehow. And now I'm living like some kind of fugitive!

Back to the first life - the life with L!

After nap, we sort of meandered. I had it in my mind to courier the foster family a letter stating very plainly that we were not returning L to them. But the DHL office said the address I had was not complete.

I went back to the hotel, double checked the Family Court record I have with me listing "Bella's" address and it was one & the same as the one I wrote down.

So what to do -- more calls to "Bella's" phone but no answer. Decided needed to get a new phone card as my Guatemalan cell was running out of minutes. L and I went to a nearby mall for that. I chatted with Glenn a bit. Then I just decided to come back to the "getaway" hotel for dinner.

Dinner was tasty - I've taught L the word "yummy" and now she says that and makes "yum yum" sounds while eating. Is this kid like after my heart or what?

The post dinner play time was very nice. She was having a good time showing her baby the pool from the window, dancing to some music, making monkey sounds... really a joy!

I think by bedtime I was just emotionally drained. I was so cranky when L requested a bath (pointing at the bath tub and saying "ba ba" for agua). I let her have her bath which she enjoyed immensely (again, accompanied by "hippo"). But trying to get her to sleep took like and hour and a half.

The thing is, she wasn't being fussy at all but just super playful, cheery... and wide awake. Someone once told me that bedtime is for parents. Now I totally understand what they mean.

I had a sleepy conversation with Glenn while trying to get her to finally sleep. It took two different TV shows, some hair brushing time (however, when I tried to take the hair brush away she pinched me rather hard and I had to rebuke her), and then just turning off the lights and saying "buenas noches."

I almost drifted off, but I really wanted to post this ... it is totally keeping my sanity (fragile as it is) in tact.